U.S. versus T.H.E.M. (or The Danger of Acronyms)

The following is a transcript from a recent summit held at a conference centre in Toronto to discuss America and Canada’s response to rising global terrorism.  

Canadian Reporter: Mr. Prime Minster. What would you say is the greatest single threat to democracy our country faces right now?

Justin Trudeau: Oh without a doubt it’s THEM.

Reporter: Who is ‘them’?

Trudeau: They are *points to screen with Terrorists Helping Evil Mobilize (aka THEM) under skull and crossbones*

Reporter: They are THEM?

Trudeau: Exactly.

Reporter: Who is planning to stop THEM?

Trudeau: US.

Reporter: We are?

Trudeau: No, them. *waves to U.S. Secretary of State*

Reporter: US is THEM?!

Secretary of State: No, we’re just US. They are THEM.

Reporter: Then who is going to neutralize THEM? Us?

Trudeau: No, they are! *rolls eyes and gestures to Secretary of State*

Reporter: Got it. So it’s US versus THEM but what are we doing?

Trudeau: We are going to help them however we can. *nods at Secretary of State*

Secretary of State: You’re going to help THEM?! I thought you were on our side.

Trudeau: We are helping you against THEM. Our whole focus is on supporting US.

Reporter: How do you expect to defeat THEM if you are concentrating on us and not them? It’s not all about us you know.

Secretary of State: What’s that supposed to mean? US has always been there for you.

Reporter: Sorry, Mr. Secretary. I meant them. *looks at Trudeau*

Secretary of State: Wait….you are THEM? Trudeau? More like FALSEreau amirite.

Trudeau: Who came up with this acronym?

Assistant to Trudeau: Us.

Trudeau: I knew it was them!

Reporter: Who is THEM again?

Assistant: No, not US sir. We did it.

Trudeau: You’re fired. Why don’t you go work for them? *points to Secretary of State*

Assistant: *doesn’t see Trudeau pointing* You want me to help THEM? No wonder you’re losing this war.

Secretary of State: Why are you picking on US again?!

*Trudeau aims nuclear missiles leftover from Cold War at conference centre*

Trudeau: Tell my family I love them.

Reporter: I thought you wanted to stop THEM?

*Trudeau pushes red button*

End of transcript

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Billy Joel Really Did the Start Fire According to NYPD Report

tumblr_n1emtqoh5R1tooympo1_500Despite repeated protests that it had always been burning since the world was turning, musician Billy Joel was arrested on Monday night by state troopers for his part in an upscale Brooklyn house fire that left four people with life-threatening injuries and the building in ruins.

“At this point Billy Joel is the primary suspect of our investigation,” said deputy police chief Joe Menkoff. “He gave a lengthy, rhyming list of people/things/ideas that he accused of committing the crime but the majority have ironclad alibis. I’ve been on the force for 32 years and I’ve never heard of an entire country or a long-deceased baseball player being charged with arson or attempted murder, but this is New York, so stranger things have happened.”

Mr. Joel’s roll call of alleged arsonists included among others Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray, South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio, Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, Television, North Korea, South Korea and Marilyn Monroe. He went on to name Rosenbergs, H-Bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom, Brando, The King & I, and The Catcher In The Rye as persons of interest.

“These wild accusations are completely baseless and insulting to the legacy of one of America’s greatest authors,” said Peter Fineberg, who represents the estate of J.D. Salinger. “Mr. Joel may think he’s a big shot but he will held accountable for his libel and criminal actions.”

Joel, who claimed to be having dinner with an uptown girl at a nearby Italian restaurant when the fire started, will be represented by Clarence Darrow III. Darrow released a statement which said that, “Mr. Joel is an innocent man who didn’t light it and was simply caught trying to fight it. You may be right that Piano Man is one of the most overplayed songs in history, but his greatest crime is writing A Matter of Trust – not starting a deadly fire.”

Tom Booth, the lead prosecutor for the case, seems intent on pursuing the death penalty for Joel. “Only the good die young, but that doesn’t mean we won’t try to fry his wrinkly old ass. If they don’t have the courage to flip the switch, we’ll seek to have him put away for the longest time,” said Booth. “No one, not even the man who dated Elle McPherson and married Christie Brinkley, is above the law.”

The trial is set to begin early 2017 in Miami.

Fun with Photoshop: The Condor Flies North for the Summer

Michael Saunders Card copy

Baseball Card of the Month: 1952 Topps Clyde King


The cheers of “good eye” were intended to acknowledge Clyde’s plate discipline, but he always thought there was more to it than that.

Fun with Photoshop: Weeks Sauce

Weeks Sauce copy

Looking for something bland and past its expiration date to add to your lineup?

The have just the thing!

Redemption Song: A-Rod Slugs His Way Out of Purgatory

Vanity may be a sin, but it's not a crime.

Vanity may be a sin but it’s not a crime.

Despite what you may have been told by Bud Selig and Major League Baseball, Alex Rodriguez is not the devil.

In a sports world filled with murderers, wife-beaters and drunk drivers, the vilified Yankees’ slugger worst sin was trying to gain an advantage on the field of play.

Think about that for a second.

If the NFL put the same amount of effort towards curbing domestic violence as baseball did building a case against A-Rod, would the headlines still be smattered with stories of Ray Rice and Greg Hardy?

Yet, in spite of the relatively benign nature of his transgressions, Rodriguez was forced to spend all of last season in baseball purgatory. MLB and Selig seemed to think it could solve its steroid problem by casting all the blame on one player (it’s not the first time) and then publicly flogging their artificially enhanced pariah. It, uh, didn’t work.

The 2015 season rolled around after what must have felt like an eternity, and A-Rod, healthy and freed from the tyrannical reign of Selig came out swinging, reminding fans that he’s still one of the most talented players in baseball — with or without performance enhancing drugs.

After the first 19 games of the year, A-Rod leads the AL in walks and is 4th in HR, 9th in slugging and 10th in OPS. His fast start to the season is even more impressive when you consider that he missed all of 2014 and plays for a team that really doesn’t want him around.

Rodriguez’s superlative skill set was on full display at Tampa Bay on April 18 as he drilled two home run including the longest shot of 2015. That moon shot not only gave New York a 1-0 lead, but also served as metaphorical giant middle finger to Selig, who likely thought he had hammered the final nail into A-Rod’s career with a 162-game suspension.

The Yankees weren’t expected to compete in a deep AL East this year but thanks to A-Rod’s potent presence in the lineup they find themselves atop the division with an 11-8 record. New York may not want Rodriguez, but it needs him.

Rodriguez is a cheater and a liar. But he’s also a helluva baseball player who’s overcome Titanic sized hurdles to find himself on the brink of history. The national pastime’s prodigal son has returned and he’s not leaving anytime soon.

So go ahead and cheer for A-Rod, because unlike the real criminals of sport, he deserves a second third chance.


Fun with Photoshop: Nelson the Destroyer

whatever he hitz copy