Seattle Mariners Front Office Shows Keen Understanding of What Fans Want; Sign Free-Agent Kevin Millwood to Minor League Contract.

Kevin Millwood, seen here racked with self-doubt, is slated to be the Mariners ace in the hole. (Louis DeLuca/DMN)

In the critically acclaimed* movie “What Women Want“, Mel Gibson stars as a man gifted with the ability to read women’s thoughts. Hilarity ensues as Gibson shaves his legs, learns how difficult life is for his teenage daughter, and woos the effervescent Helen Hunt (Paul Reiser you lucky dog). The Mariners front office saw the movie at a recent retreat, loved it, and a decided they would try to figure out what their fans wanted. Their answer: Kevin Millwood. (*not)

It’s not that there’s anything particularly wrong with Kevin Millwood, it’s just not quite what Mariners fans were looking for in an offseason where the Rangers landed Yu Darvish and the Angels signed Albert Pujols. Millwood is a lot like N.A.S.A. At one point he served a useful purpose (league leader in ERA during 2005) but it was so long ago that no one remembers what it was now. In fact, scientists recently discovered that the human brain cannot independently generate the concept of “Kevin Millwood”. The right-handed Millwood wasn’t terrible with Colorado last year (3.98 ERA in nine starts) but he is really that much of an upgrade over younger pitchers like Blake Beavan or Charlie Furbush?

Welcome to Seattle Mr. Millwood. I’ve already forgotten about you again…

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