A Love Story Renewed: Russell Branyan Returns to the Mariners.

The Brawny Paper Towel Man is hoping to bring some power to an anemic lineup.

Casey Kotchman is bad, real bad. Michael Jackson.  

Now Mariners’ fans are mad, real mad. Joe Jackson.  

Seattle’s 2010 first basemen (Casey Kotchman, Mike “Magic” Carp–who will be dead weight until he learns an attack other than splash, Mike Sweeney, Matt Tuisiasopo, Ryan Langerhans, David Segui, etc.) have combined to be worse than Birdemic at the plate on a team that can ill afford to sacrifice any offense.  

So the Mariners admitted the error of their ways and gave their ex-first baseman a call. That must have been awkward:  

“Oh hey Russell, this is the Mariners. You know how we told you we didn’t want you back and that we had found someone better? Well, it turns out we were wrong, and when you left, we realized how much we needed you. So if you can ever forgive us, we need you back in our lives, and more importantly, back in the middle of our order. Whataya say?”  

Of course all of Branyan’s friends told him it was a mistake to get back with the Mariners (they don’t treat you well, they never buy you nice things, there’s no protection in the lineup, etc.) but he didn’t have much of a choice other than retiring or faking a back injury (no one’s accusing you of that Mike Sweeney). 

The move doesn’t make much sense because the Mariners are so far out of contention that ESPN doesn’t even list them in the AL West standings, but they didn’t give up anyone noteworthy (two prospects who I am too lazy to look up), and it never hurts to have someone in your lineup who can hit a ball over the wall…in fair territory. There’s not much rhyme or reason to it, but then again, this whole season hasn’t had much rhyme or reason.

Welcome back Russell. I never stopped loving you. Now go hit some home runs.

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One Response

  1. I’m still amazed that Birdemic was able to cast that hot of a girl for such complete absurdity.

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