Michael Jackson Autopsy Results May Reveal Root of Recent Redsox Woes

Are the Yankees to blame for Jackson's untimely demise? Is there even such thing as a timely demise?

Are the Yankees to blame for Jackson's untimely demise? Is there even such thing as a timely demise?

A team long known for its history of curses may have stumbled upon another with yesterday’s news that pop star Michael Jackson’s death has been ruled a homicide by L.A. coroners. Jackson, a lifelong Red Sox fan, died as a result of a drug overdose of propofol and lorazepam, drugs that were administered by former New York Yankees’ farmhand Dr. Conrad Murray. While no foul play is suspected, the damage has already been done to Boston’s season. Since June 25th, the date of Jackson’s passing, the Red Sox have gone from 4 games up in the AL East to trailing the New York Yankees by 6 games after play on August 25th. Boston has looked utterly lost at times since the King of Pop ascended to his heavenly throne next to Elvis and Tupac—blowing leads, weeping at the mere mention of “Thriller,” and making costly errors that helped create losing streaks of 5 and 6 games. The Red Sox still lead the Wild Card race by 1.5 games over Texas, but this latest news likely hammered the final nail into Boston’s 2009 season.

After their 6-3 win over Chicago on Tuesday night the team took turns addressing the media. A tearful J.D. Drew took the microphone first, saying “Hell yeah it’s been a difficult two months for us, he was the friggin’ king of pop! He wasn’t just a musician to this team…he was our inspiration. The first time I heard ‘Billy Jean’ I knew my life would never be the same. I decided that since I couldn’t sing, baseball was what Michael would want me to do.” Drew and Jackson were good friends in the off-season, and could frequently be spotted at Boston-area amusement parks and swimming pools. Drew fell into a tailspin after Jackson’s death, hitting only .217 in July, and admitted that he was pressing in the wake of his friends passing. After drying his eyes, Drew continued, “The only thing Michael loved more than children was baseball, he’s the reason I got into this game. Now? I just don’t know anymore…I guess maybe I’ll have to start from scratch, see what the man in the mirror has to say.”

Did Jackson's music help the Red Sox capture the '04 World Series?

Did Jackson's music help the Red Sox capture the '04 World Series?

Most casual sports fans didn’t realize the inexorable link between baseball and Michael Jackson, but the pop star was a lifelong admirer of the game, a theme which often appeared in his music. A number of Jackson’s songs pay tribute to the American past-time, including: “Black & White” (dedicated to Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier), “Smooth Criminal” (in reference to Rickie Henderson’s prowess on the basepaths during the 1980’s), “Bad” (the Pittsburgh Pirates), “Thriller” (a musical version of the 1960 World Series) and “Beat It” (referring to the Boston Red Sox World Series drought). Jackson was a Red Sox season ticket holder and would often join the team for batting practice. Despite his waifish figure, several Boston players recall Michael hitting some tape-measure shots over the Green Monster. David Ortiz called him “the greatest ‘natural’ hitter I have ever seen. I wish he wasn’t such a great singer and dancer, or we would have signed him. That guy would have moonwalked all over the AL East pitchers“.

A bad season just got even worse for the Red Sox.

A bad season just got even worse for the Red Sox.

After a violent Drew was removed from the interview room by security, noted X-Files fan and paranoid-schizophrenic Rocco Baldelli took the podium. Baldelli, wearing a tinfoil hat and bubble-wrap suit, avoided looking directly at the media, but did say the following: “You think what happened was an accident? You dumb (bleeps) have got to be out of your (bleeping) minds. I knew all along he was murdered, and leave it to a former Yankee to inject him with the lethal dose. My horoscope told me this was going to happen, but I just didn’t want to believe it. I can’t understand how the commisioner didn’t suspend the rest of the season, because it’s clear we can’t play with the fear and sorrow that we have felt over the past two months. Clearly this is just another conspiracy against us by Bud Selig and the Yankees, I’m going to have my lawyer take a look at this situation and see if we can’t get things straightened out, because this is an absolute travesty. Goodbye sweet Michael, we will meet again on the Milky Way.”

The news conference was then abruptly cancelled with the start of the new episode of “Brooke Knows Best” on Josh Beckett’s clubhouse TV, but on the way out of the media room a sullen Jason Bay was heard muttering “jamon, jamon, jamon“.

Jamon indeed Red Sox fans, because with the death of Michael Jackson at the hands of a former Yankee, it might just be another 86 years until you win your next World Series.

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3 Responses

  1. ridonkulous, sir. absolutely ridonkulous

  2. Baseballbriefs.com tracking back Michael Jackson Autopsy Results May Reveal Root of Recent Redsox Woes…

    Baseballbriefs.com tracking back Michael Jackson Autopsy Results May Reveal Root of Recent Redsox Woes…

  3. hahahahha
    oh man
    “Bad” (the Pittsburgh Pirates),
    hahahaaaaaa

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