The All-Ugly Team: NL Uggos Edition

Baseball is a beautiful game. The crisp green grass, the blue skies, Randy Johnson’s mullet, 6-4-3 double plays, etc. However, while the sport may be a feast for the eyes, not all baseball players are exactly dead ringers for Fabio. Most fans look at these players and wished their hats covered their entire faces, rather than just the top of their domes. These players are so ugly the ball actually veers of its course as it’s headed towards them. Ladies and gentleman, I give you the ugliest players at every position in the NL!

gorzelannySP: Tom Gorzelanny (Pittsburgh Pirates)–No ladies and gentleman, that’s not Sloth from The Goonies, it’s Pirates lefty Tom Gorzelanny. As if looking like that wasn’t enough, he’s fresh off a season in which he went 6-9 with a 6.66 ERA. WOOF!

ruach2RP: Jon Rauch (Arizona Diamondbacks)–Apparently ole crazy eyes here hasn’t heard of decaf coffee. It’s not Rauch’s pitching prowess that strikes fear into the hearts of opposing hitters, it’s that unflinching stare. Bonus points awarded for the unfortunate attempt at a soul patch.

fasanoC: Sal Fasano (Colorado Rockies)— 6-2″, 250 lbs + massive handlebar mustache=end of story. Fasano is responsible for over 10000 swings-and-misses in his career thanks to that impressive work of facial hair. He might want to consider spending less time grooming and more in the batting cage (.221 career BA).

laroche1B: Adam LaRoche (Pittsburgh Pirate)–Already another Pirate on the list? Apparently the only thing uglier than this team’s win-loss record is it’s players. LaRoche scores big in two categories, disgusting facial hair and Oscar the Grouch-esuqe eyebrows…and this is one of his better pictures.

uggla12B: Dan Uggla (Florida Marlins): His last name is Uggla, is there really anyway he gets left off this list? Even worse than his mug was his performance in last years All-Star game: 3 errors, 0-4, 3 k’s, GIDP. Ouch!

wilson

SS: Jack Wilson (Pittsburgh Pirates): Good lord, the city of Pittsburgh must add an ugliness supplement to its water, because the Pirates sure don’t have many lookers. Ole Jack-O here is sure to be a hit with the ladies due to his goblin-esque appearance. Rumor has it he served as an extra in Lord of the Rings.

lamb

3B: Mike Lamb (Milwaukee Brewers): Mike Lamb was supposed to be the Twins answer at 3B last year, which had been a void since the departure of Tony Batista. Instead he had exactly the same number of HRs as eyebrows (one). The .235 average in ’08 didn’t exactly make him a beauty queen either.

pierre

LF: Juan Pierre (LA Dodgers): Juan Pierre’s head would be just the right size, if he were 4-years-old. Apparently while the rest of his body was growing (including his honey-dew sized adam’s apple) Pierre’s head stayed just the same size. On the plus side, it does make him more aerodynamic for stealing bases.

rjohnson

CF: Reed Johnson (Chicago Cubs): Believe it or not, that’s not a live hamster on Reed Johnson’s chin, it’s actually facial hair–that he keeps there by choice. Granted he only made $1.3 million last year, very little in these tough economic times, but you think he could spring for a Gillette, or even just a pair of scissors. Who knows how many undiscovered animals live in that patch of wilderness on Johnson’s face (7).spilbroghs1

RF: Ryan Spilborghs (Colorado Rockies): Contrary to popular belief, Osama Bin Laden doesn’t live in a hilly area of Afghanistan, he actually plays rightfield for the Colorado Rockies. Where better to hide then on the roster of one the NL’s most mediocre teams? He does swing a mean stick though (.302 career BA).

gross1Utility: Gabe Gross (Milwaukee Brewers): Unlike Dan Uggla who joins this list simply because of his last name, Gabe combines the strength of his last name, Gross, with a head the size of Nadya Suleman’s pregnant belly–making him a true double-threat. Mother’s cover your children’s eyes, especially when this .238 hitter in ’08 comes to the plate.

Special thanks to ESPN.com for all the photos. One can imagine it’s not much fun to photograph these players.

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4 Responses

  1. dude, that was really shallow..

  2. Re Sal Fasano: My mustache and I would like a word with you next time you are in town.

  3. Uh, I think those words were taken out of context. I misremembered how fine a piece of art your mustache truly is. Please accept my somewhat sincere apology.

  4. Mustache envy is an ugly thing.

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